John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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