one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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