I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
