I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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