WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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