I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
