i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
