we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize