I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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