did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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