The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
