Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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