So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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