New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
