So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Randomize
