Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
