i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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