I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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