so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
