I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
