Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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