So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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