Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
