Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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