I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
