Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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