i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
