Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
