So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
