So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
