I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
