I wish I could teleport
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
