The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
