she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
whose parrot is this?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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