I think i peed on brittanys purse
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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