the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
