I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
