Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
