come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
