I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
someone owes me an orgasm
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
