Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
