In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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