I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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