dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
