I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
