sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
