Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
