There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
