this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
