She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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