Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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