So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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