Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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