i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
