oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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