don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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