My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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